Wednesday, May 20, 2009

My 4th Year Anniversary...部落格四周年...ブログの四周年.....

Above: What I'm Kinda feeling right now...and recently...Maggie Cheung in her exquisitely silhoutted cheongsam looking into the distance vacantly...as she ponders her life.
"In the Mood for Love" (2000), Wong Kar-Wai's tribute to his childhood days of 1960s Hong Kong.

My Blog's Fourth Yr Anniversary is here!!!!!....gosh, how time flies just like that....

I will once again invite my readers to write to me if they wish to know more about me...I usually do this on every annversary of mine to allow a chance for readers to get to know more about me and who knows, maybe a friendship can develop?? Anyways, leave your email add in the comments section and i shall email you with an introduction of myself....i'm interesting, so go on!!
Hehehe..but only sincere ones ok? I had this reader whom used to leave me msgs but i could tell by his msgs that he didn't really like me...(why read my blog n leave msgs in the 1st place then?!) and he would comment on alot of things and how he thinks stuff i say are obvious...then on my 3rd anniversary he took the opportunity to leave me his email and as usual his tone was less than friendly when i forgot to delete it..seriously some ppl have issues....then when i email, i didn't even get a reply bck! I mean that's just plain silly and plain mean k...don't leave ur contacts to me then cos no one forced him to! it really pissed me off...so i hope no one does that again this time...please be sincere when you leave ur contacts cos i don't want email contacts and when i correspond with you, you either don't even reply my initial email or seem disinterested immediately after your 1st reply back! (Believe me...it can be really annoying and this has happened a couple of times now in the past yr...)

But if you are genuine, that's great! Hoping to hear from you....

Now, on reflection on my blogging life...and these four years (has it been THAT long?!!!).. there has been ups and there have been downs...i am now prepared to be more frank and honest given the passage of time from those 'down' events...i think time has allowed me to heal and also for me to be alittle more certain that some ppl may no longer be reading my blog so i don't seem to be saying negative stuff about ppl when they're still reading...well, during my good days, i had alot of comments from different bloggers and i even managed to meet a few...most however turned out to dislike me (for whatever reason....) and really didn't want to meet me again and stopped leaving comments...that was pretty hurtful i'd say...i mean there was many whom stopped leaving comments quite soon after meeting me despite my being 100% positive i didn't do anything wrong whereas they continued to leave comments on other blogs in the same blog community...
then there was this blogger AL whom even came to Sydney shortly after i'd met him with another couple of bloggers in Penang.. but he didn't even bother to contact me..i mean he contacted this other blogger whom wasn't even going to be in Sydney then..it's not like he knew tons of ppl here right...i took it very personally, as any person in those circumstances in their right of mind would right??....and we had just met a few months bck but he for some reason didn't want to contact me...even if it meant spending some time alone in Sydney...

and then there's this blogger whom i managed to keep in touch.. and he seemed fine with meeting up when i visited KL and said let's meet up..BUT then he turned weird on me and cancelled last minute when i tried calling n he couldn't bother to answer my call n just msg me bck giving some random excuse..that was fine and i didn't think too much about it..until he refused to add me on facebook later on when i had like been rejected by him 3 times n above... when i msn him he didn't reply but promptly added me on fb...then he got pissed off at me on fb cos i was pissed off at his actions n deleted me on fb...seriously, what's wrong with them?? It makes no sense lah...or what's wrong with me????? (so hurtful...)

then there was this blogger whom asked me to join his bloglisting early on and i did out of wanting to help him with it...but then later on also he didn't seem too keen to keep in touch (for whatever reason i still dun know to this day cos i never even met him before that happened) ...and he asked me out to this bloggers meet of malaysians in melbourne like 20 mins before it was to happen which all but confirms he didn't like me for some reason..,and before he was very friendly, leaving comments, inviting me to join the list early on,etc...then he got all weird at the meeting...and later on, i was even deleted from the bloglist and from his blog list as well...i mean, why??

And there was also this two bloggers whom i used to be really close to...i really respected them...one decided to start hiding from me on msn and even blocked me i think for NO REASON apparently...it didnt' make any sense..i mean we had come out and had a very good time, i knew he liked me as a friend too cos he would tell me on msn some of his troubles and etc...and i managed to send him a map of Taipei as well before he was to leave for a trip there...i was hurt not because so much he never replied an msn msg i left but more of his hiding whenever i came on....as if there was ANY need..it made me feel like i had some disease or somethin or that he had the audacity to assume that i had no self-respect and would try to msg him again after that one time when he didn't reply my msn msg...i mean seriously, there was no need to hide on msn like that...it's happened with a FEW ppl i know and it always amazes me to think they would go to such lengths..i mean hey i HAVE self-respect ok? If i know you dun wanna talk to me, i WILL not msg u period, i don't need u to be doing stuff like that...cos it hurts...:(

It makes me feel unwanted, rejected (by my in-group no less!),and also as less of a person, some 2nd class person, really, whom's feelings aren't worth much, if at all, and that they are completely indifferent and lacking in conscience when it comes to me...sigh...

This other blogger whom i always respected his character also slowly drifted apart...which is fine, cos that happens, but it became uncommon or shall i say alittle not normal when he deleted my blog on his bloglist which wasn't acceptable really..i mean we were friends and u just don't do things like this...its ok if it was never on, i'd never expect someone to add my blog on, but just don't remove something that's already there cos it involves a thought process of 'i'm gonna remove this person cos...'...and he also had two blogs one of which was like by-invitation only...firstly he never for once thought why as a friend he couldn't allow me to read it..how he'd feel if a similar friend had rejected his request...but that wasn't the worst part, the worst part was how he preempted my request even before i asked by LYING that his other blog was simply full of archives which simply wasn't true...i know but i won't go into that...that made me question his integrity...really to lie even before i had asked...this was on top of not replying 2 emails of mine...sigh...

And then there was this other guy whom we were pretty good friends i'd say and he'd email me and write letters when i was in Melbourne and then when i went bck to Penang again...well, his attitude changed slowly after meeting again, and he would get irritated easily with me...and then something traumatic happened and i won't go into that but let's just say we aren't in touch anymore...and everytime i chance upon those letters he wrote..genuinely written at the time they were written no doubt, i'd feel terribly hurt and have to slowly put them away..cos what was and what could have been was too painful for me to handle...

ahhh...sigh.....even with my real life away from blogging life, i managed to piss off 2 former housemates of mine whom became so aggressive towards me for NO REASON despite me being very gentle and soft-spoken (anyone whom meets me will be able to say i'm not the aggressive insensitive type to hurt ppl without knowing...)and this other housemate whom like was really nice to me in the beginning but slowly as her friend (one of the above ppl) became to get pissed off at me also turned cold towards me...later on i managed to tell her my feelings n she apologised saying her friend influenced her, and i asked her out to make things up ('i'm a very forgiving person...i like to make up with people and dun usually hold grudges unless u're a repeat offender, and even then...) she told me she had to work mon-fri and sometimes weekends too...maybe then i should have doubted her but i badly needed to feel the good ness of people and the real kindness and compassion of humanity so i gave her the benefit of the doubt...but then right next week, i saw her on msn on weekday nights when she had told me that she would be working...i was flabbergasted to say the least...and terribly hurt...but you know what, i still manage to somehow think she is a kind honest person but its just her treatment of me that isn't...

There've also been this blogger whom i used to read his blog cos he was really honest about his life, and very frank about one aspect of his past which he revealed, but then later on, as usual he got pissed off for no apparent reason, and started using highly offensive and racist language in his email to try to demean and hurt me...he wasn't a racist..i still don't believe he is but he did not realise that he was demeaning his own humanity by trying to put down another human being in extremely hurtful language well intended to hurt the other person (and also engaging in racist language perpetuates racism and contributes to it even if one is not racist and merely using it to hurt someone)..as usual, i didn't say anything mean back in reply cos i didn't want to sink as low as he did although i could've since i could have used hurtful and bigotry against him as well given his socio-economic status, whom he was dating, race,age,etc...but i didn't. Cos it wasn't worth it.

He did apologise later on,very brief apology, but it wasn't sincere given that he had initially removed my link then when he apologised put it back on, then later on a couple mths later when i checked again, been removed again, So much for sincerity...haha..

I've also had people pretending not to see me at the tram stop in melbourne and walking to the next tram stop (this really nice and open-minded friend of mine whom i was rather close to) and also people blocking me on msn...all till this day i don't understand and feel their actions are so wrong that the only consolation i have is the fact that since they've been so incredibly 'mean' in their actions unwarranted however much i may have pissed them off without me even knowing, that i am in the right and they are in the wrong...small consolation indeed...cos what i needed most was their continued friendship and understanding...not me being right or wrong cos it doesn't matter....

And i've tried telling some ppl whom i feel i can my feelings but it never works out, people either make some silly excuse or are sincere 'on the moment' and go right bck to their 'normal' ways right after...

However, despite the above (i have more incidences but i won't write on all of them, cos the above is a good sample alreadi i think...) i still have faith in people and the capacity for kindness from human beings given what i've observed and experienced myself...i always separate a person's inner integrity and worth from their treatment of me...but then again many ppl even when told (i do tell my feelings sometimes) continue to rationalise their behaviour....i mean even though they act like without consciences, these are all ppl with a conscience which means even they have to rationalise their own behaviour to themselves...though i suspect some don't care even if they suspected they knew they were being mean..)I guess its the fact that i see goodness and niceness and how the same people who could be nice to me in the beginning and continue to be nice and friendly with others which is what REALLY hurts...cos when you cannot but see kindness in those who treat you with a lack of compassion and indifference THAT'S when it hurts...really badly...it'd be so much easier to become jaded with the world and human beings and to demonize those whom hurt us (which some people are able to do..) ...sometimes THIS is what hurts most...the inability to demonize others whom aren't the nicest and the continued hope (which inevitably brings despair and dissapointment) in human relations...sigh...

As for my personal life update, i'm at a crossroads, really recently things have not been good with my work, health, and wanting to move, i've seen others moving in the direction of their dreams, continuing studies in their home country (one acquaintaince i know is doing this Sotheby's Masters of Art History in Singapore n went to New York recently on a study tour of the museums and art scene there), or studying uni in Tokyo (another blogger i know... whom always wanted to live in Japan and has made it since 07 i think)...or going to Melbourne to continue their studies in Masters after working...and mine seems to be in limbo and stationary, and in fear of becoming worse if i don' take quick action...sometimes, i wonder why other's have an easier life and can get whatever they want in life so easily...sigh..like this guy whom got to write a regular column for some very famous social website, or someone else i know whom managed to single-handedly organise this social campaign in australia..whilst, i can't even get a retail job as a part-time hobby at some chic boutique somewhere in Sydney despite my 100% thick-skinned efforts in walk-ins,etc, and something i really really wanted so badly...:-(

Well, anyways, sorry this turned out to be such a negative post, but hey, it'll be like one of only a handful this yr, my policy hasn't changed much, my blog will still focus on issues of my interest and the positives in my life:-)

Forthcoming posts will be my long-delayed series on my Hong Kong trip, Macau daytrip, and my Taiwan trip...as well as later on, a Cathay series on oldie 1950s/1960s Chinese films and actresses, as well as other interesting topics....i've also updated my link section as well as my Chinese Chic Wordpress where you can search my blog posts by categories such as 'Asian movies' or 'korea' so head over there if you wanna search by categories...

Anyways, thanks for all the support so far, let's make it a good year this 2009/10, for both my blog, and my life=)

PS: Update 26/5/09: I decided to delete/remove some parts of this post as it was getting too long and i felt some parts no longer needed to be in it for detail. However, crucial details including the gist of it remains..

4 comments:

aimlesswanderer said...

Wow, that was a long and unhappy post. Sadly some people are no good, that is part of life.

You seem like a very inoffensive and harmless kind of person, so who knows why all that happened.

hcpen said...

aimlesswanderer: who knows? but that's life, and u learn to live with it:-) Sometimes, u just hve to.

marcellous said...

Congratulations on your anniversary.

I was that apparently unfriendly commenter, but I think there has been a misunderstanding. I am sorry if I didn't answer your email but actually there I was thinking you were snooty because you never sent me one.

I still read your blog with interest, though I've only just come back to check after your long pause earlier this year. Hence this late comment.

hcpen said...

marcellous: Thanks for the comment. Explanation is noted.