Tuesday, June 12, 2007

The Status of Women (2)... 婦女的地位(二)... 婦女の地位(二)

Haha...another excuse for me to put gorgeous cheongsam (chinese dress) pics...i did it with my 1st post on 'women's status' as well with a pic of Maggie Cheung in her blck n white striped qipao...this time, i have Yu Min, the ever elegant and poised 50s/60s Hong Kong film star best known for her refined and proper image in a white satin cheongsam with light grey natural motifs speckled across.

Its been a long while...I've been feeling lazy....delayed this post but really wanted to post about this for a long time since its one of my passions. Actually i should do a me-me sometime cos i think many readers aren't really familiar with my bckground, my likes and dislikes, interests...well if it hasn't been obvious, women's rights and feminism is like one of my biggest areas of interest in life. I've always been quite a militant feminist, dun know why, started from very young, just felt for the lot of women and the still prevalent inequalities that exist in society.

I would like to warn some readers beforehand that this may seem like an anti-male post which it isn't and especially my first post together with this one may give the false impression that i am a man-hating bitch but really anyone whom knows me knows thats impossible, and further, i like guys...i haven't turned to liking women ...yet! ( i'm kidding!!!)

I think living in developed or fast developing countries lead many of us to falsely believe that women and men are now more or less equal and that there isn't much of a gender gap in all areas of society. That is an illusion which ignores the reality that women in many countries such as the middle east still have an array of basic rights denied them as well as discriminatory restrictions placed on them. I was watching SBS News (i usually watch the SBS World News on weekdays when i have the time) and there were reports of the 'missing girls', the girls whom should have been born but are killed or starved or neglected to death by their parents in third world countries. This is a horrendous reality...given that its the year 2007 and this is still happening around the world. The report also talked about the hundreds of thousands of girls whom are denied an education and basic healthcare around the world. Cos let us not forget that there are over 200 countries in the world, some of which many of us don't even know the name of and they are no where as developed or progressive as some of the countries which are frequently in the international spotlight or media or have more advanced economies and thus the women in these less developed countries continue to suffer inequalities and discrimination on a daily basis. Below is an analysis and critique of the still inherent inequalities faced by women covering both the poor economies, developing economies, as well as developed economies.
Career Woman or Full-Time Housewife???:

I've said this before and i will say it again...i think women should continue to work and have a career not only after marriage but also after having children. Cos even now, there are still young Asian women whose life-long ambition is to find a good (read: this means rich) husband and then become a stay-at-home mum. I've heard about these kind of young university/college women in China and Japan, whom despite their high levels of education, have aspirations and a goal in life to 'get the rich guy' and be able to just live off their husbands... I simply think thats not a very proud goal to have and reminds me of the feudal ideals Chinese society used to have.

I always advocate that women must continue to work and have their own career even after marriage as well as after motherhood. This doesn't mean that a woman must have a high-flying career which requires her to put in so many hours at work that she would barely have the time for family life. But it does mean that married women should at least be engaged in some kind of payed work outside the home. This is vital to giving women some form of financial independence from their husbands which is ESSENTIAL in any marriage cos when arguements flare up and the going gets rough, a woman without financial independence knows she doesn't have the upper hand when it is the man whom is providing the roof over herv head, the food on the table, the branded clothes and shoes she has in the wardrobe, the car she drives, and....you get the picture. Further, without financial independence, a woman really doesn't have the option of divorce if and when it becomes necessary.

This is what i hear about women from my grandparent's generation. I've always wondered and also asked around why divorces were so rare for people in my grandmother's generation...could it be that marriages were perfect or close to perfect in those days?? The answer i often get bck is of cos not, and given my own research and general common sense, everyone knows women suffered enormous discrimination a mere 40,50 years back, so what is the major reason for the low divorce rates?? Aside from the fact that there was societal pressures and norms to not divorce whatever the cause, a major factor which prohibited women from divorcing was the 'money factor'. Basically, full-time housewives simply did not have the finances or capability to afford a divorce. This meant that however much domestic violence a wife suffered or however uncaring a husband was towards his wife's needs, she simply could not divorce because she didn't have the finances to support herself after the divorce. Please note, I am not encouraging women to divorce but only advising women to keep their options open as without a full-time or part-time career, married women simply do not have the option of divorcing their husbands which the men obviously do as they have the finances to maintain their lifestyles after divorce (in fact, i think men come out financially better after the divorce given that they now have one less person to support given that its usually the men whom provides financially for the most part during the marriage).

Of cos, our court system plays an important part in protecting and guarding the vital rights of women. I'm sure most people know of alimony which is payed by the breadwinner (most often men) to the homemaker (most often women). This is one way of guaranteeing the ability of divorced women to be able to survive after a divorce. Thus, the legal system must be supportive of women (or the homemaker whichever gender) taking account of the non-monetary contributions they made during the marriage when deciding on how much alimony is paid. I learnt alot in my Family Law class about how it is done in Australia, and i must say, Australia definitely has a progressive and commendable system whereby housewives are awarded up to half of all savings and property/assets bought with the husband's money PLUS half of superannuation (pension) of the husband which is the real bonus as pension is on-going payments. The judge in Australia takes into consideration of the non-financial contributions of the wife such that women whom have toiled 10,20 or more years in the house, taking care of the children, cleaning and tidying the house, whilst preparing food on the table so that the men can go out and focus on their careers, are not left with nothing when the marriage dissolves.

In Asia, laws relating to divorce have also progressed with Japan being an example. There has been a phenomenon in recent years in Japan called 'Jyukunen Rikon' (Elderly Age Divorce) whereby thousands of women in their 50s, 60s and above have divorced their husbands after being housewives for decades. This is as a result of the old societal system in which Japanese husbands left for work early in the morning and came home late at night with the wives basically bringing up the children like single mothers with very little support or affection from their husbands. When their husbands reach retirement age, they suddenly find it very difficult to live with an unexpressive man whom now knows not what to do with his life, lazying around in the house everyday. Anyways, bck to the point, the Japanese parliament has passed a pension law which is to come into effect sometime this yr or next which is predicted to shore up divorce rates even further than it is now and fuel the jyukunen rikon phenomena as it automatically entitles divorced wives half of the pension/super of husbands when they retire. Previously, wives get a lump sum and maybe division of property but not the super/pension so it is said that many women are now waiting for the law to come into effect to file for a divorce.

However, even if the law and legal system upholds women's rights....there are still BIG incentives for women to continue working. This is as i've heard that most men don't pay or discontinue payments after awhile even when the court has ordered them to pay alimony to their wives. This means that for a divorced housewife whom has obtained a court order for her husband to pay alimony, if her husband were to stop payments, it would mean she would have to go bck to the courts with a long drawn out process of enforcing the order. If she had been working all along, the alimony payments wouldn't be so important as she could easily support herself which goes to show the importance of maintaining a career. Further, divorced housewives cannot expect to just live off their ex-husbands forever and so they inevitably have to find work. The problem is.... after 10 or 20 yrs out of the paid workforce, who is going to employ a middle aged housewife whom has not worked outside the home for more than however many decades regardless of her academic qualifications or centuries-old former work experience?? A career woman would not have this to worry about and men, most of whom continue to work and climb up the corporate ladder during their marriages, certainly do not have to worry about this.

Finally, if some woman reading this still decides to become a full-time mother and housewife after marriage and having children, then thats fine (though not the smartest choice given all i've pointed out above) WITH the following essential tips on protecting themselves:

Do make sure that half of all property and assets are firmly in your name. If your husband refuses, make it be known that your relationship will go sour and refuse intimacy as well as make it known that divorce is on your mind. Of cos, first negotiate and if only your husband drags his feet and is obviously not going to transfer anything under your name like 6mths or 1 yr after u've brought up the topic do you then threaten considering divorce. Cos it really is important to make sure u have some assets under ur name in the event of anything happening. You may think everything is lovey-dovey now, but when a marriage goes sour and divorce occurs, you really don't want to end up with no career AND no assets under ur name AND having to go thru the chaotic court process.

Thus, i end this section with my often quoted 'Golden Advice' regarding marriage and careers for women:

As a housewife and full-time mother, you are taking care of your husband's family (the kids and the home) and his career (by freeing him to focus fully on his career). You husband of cos cares only for his career. Thus, the golden question being, who is caring for your career?

All may seem idyllic and perfect when the marriage is smooth-sailing but once it hits an irreparable storm, and results in divorce, the husband still has his career, but what does the housewive have? She has nothing. Given that her life revolved around the family, she no longer has a family, and of course, she doesn't have a career either. She comes out with nothing.

Of cos advising women to work is not enough, men will also have to do more. Ideally, i think both the husband and wife should work and both must be involved in taking care of the children as well as domestic chores. This will mean men have to inevitably sacrifice some of their career (just as women have been doing all along) and not put in the extra hours or forsake going on that business trip overseas to help out at home. This is ESSENTIAL as i find that many women of my mother's generation actually are full-time career women AND homemakers having to work AND then come home to cook the dinner and clean up the house on the weekends which makes their lives often even more tiring than full-time housewives as they now have to do double of everything. Men of my father's generation allowed their wives to work but men, being the 'slower species' have been very slow in changing with the times and helping out more in the house. Its almost as if they have the attitude of 'We're fine with women changing so long as we are not asked to change significantly along also'. This is NOT acceptable.

Its time men also forsake some of their career for the home. A woman shouldn't have to work double as hard as a man to maintain financial independence as well as maintain a family. Women shouldn't have to choose between having a career or a family or working like a slave within and outside the home to keep both. To achieve that, men will have to start changing. And i mean changing REAL FAST.

I end this section with a quote from a book i read called 'Kickboxing Geishas': 'It is not that men aren't changing. Cos they are. They just aren't changing fast enough.'

Sex Videos, Hot Pictures, Pervert Men, Rape, Sexual Harassment, ("the usual stuff") and Everything else Men do to Women (and...other Men):

I read the Taiwanese newspaper every day and i always read the society section and besides reading the interesting articles, i make sure i scan through for any articles on women-related news and boy are they interesting and thought-provoking! Some of the articles just goes to prove how defective some men are, which is my theory...most people may read and hear about these things just thinking..oh another sick perverted person in the world...however i ALWAYS see it from a gender perspective and make the connection...it really isn't just another sick perverted person out there is it?? What people don't seem to realise or worse still, don't WANT to acknowledge is that its another sick perverted MAN doing something perverted to a WOMAN and sometimes another boy or guy.

I mean reading all these horror stories 9 out of 10 committed by men (it really isn't a secret that over 90% of all criminals and jails are filled with MEN and over half of all victims of crime are WOMEN) simply goes to show the deficient nature of the male gender (not all of cos!!!!! just some). A cursory summary of some of the articles gives an inkling of what perils women and men have to endure through the sick nature of some MEN.

Now, men aren't exactly well known for being expressive creatures (though that prob isn't true anymore for the under 30s Asian men nowadays)...its usually guys whom show less affection in a relationship generally speaking with girls more likely to be more expressive...that doesn't mean the guy doesn't love the girl as much necessarily but sometimes it has to do with Asian male ego, to show too much affection and being too caring towards the girl for some men can be unmanly...however when the time for breakup comes, ohmygod do some guys do some crazy stuff...i read about one article whereby this guy refused to break up with his gf and then he beat her up and kept her in the house for days until the girl was rescued by police after she managed to call her brother for help.

And then there was the guy whom kidnapped his girlfriend whom wanted to breakup with him with a gun at the carpark of a shopping mall and forced her into a car threatening her that he was going to rape her hard at a rural area. When she refused to comply with his request to get back together, he ACTUALLY TRIED TO SHOOT HER, crazy asshole!! The police were informed by onlookers and caught the guy...

And then there was the guy who held up the bank where his girlfriend worked at with a dummy gun requesting for them to patch up and for her to go bck to him as she had dumped him...lame loser...

And another incident where a girl asked for money to pay her debt and the guy refused. She then refused to have sex with him. (ok i admit she shouldn't have made him feel like he had to 'buy' her for sex..she was wrong) however, what the boyfriend did later was simply CRAZY ok!!! I repeat CRAZY!! They've been in a relationship for more than 3 years so i just can't believe the guy would do this to her....well to cut it short, the guy went beserk and smashed the beer glass he had and attacked her face, arms, legs with broken pieces of glass...AND IF THAT WASN"T ENOUGH, he BOTTLE-RAPED HER by inserting both the bottle tube and his fingers into her vagina repeatedly despite her screams....she later went to the hospital and went to the police.

With all these horror stories which are reported in the newspaper (there are many many more similar stories which i didn't write about and god knows however many more unreported ones), if i ever had a daughter, i would MOST definitely be the type of 'strict father' figure being very protective of her...and girls would do well to beware when picking boyfriends...cos if a guy can bottle-rape a girl AFTER 3 yrs together as a couple, anything can happen...

The above dealt with real life cases of break up situations...so now lets proceed to incest cases..

There have been numerous cases of incest almost all involving fathers or grandfathers....

There was the case in Malaysia about this father who raped his daughter after 'losing control of himself' when he saw her coming out of the shower clad in a towel...and then the grandfather who raped his granddaughter repeatedly until she got pregnant which is how the case came to light...and then of cos, daughters and granddaughters aren't the only victims...there was a recent case of a drunkard father who asked his 6 year old son to 'kiss his penis' for him (basically su*k his pen*s)...eeeewwwww..WHAT KIND OF SICK PEOPLE ARE THESE PEOPLE!?##^&**

Men are such MONSTERS!!! Only monsters can do this to their OWN children!! And people ask me why i am such a feminist? Err..maybe the above is why?

Ok, the incest bit sickens me, lets move on to sex videos and men now....

I've noticed an increase in the news recently on sex videos which couples make with quite a few prominent cases...there was one about this sex video (which i've seen) by a Singaporean girl and her boyfriend which got leaked onto the web and became a stir..then another one about these sex pics taken by a girl and her boyfriend which again got leaked onto the internet...both girls were identified and have suffered enormous stress....obviously, their boyfriends had put it up or a friend of his had put it up...so the moral of the story is girls...DON'T EVER TRUST YOUR BOYFRIEND OR HUSBAND TO TAKE SEX PICTURES OR VIDEOS OF YOU TWO, MEN CAN'T BE TRUSTED...geez, how can girls not know that?! the two girls in the above cases probably never dreamt in their worst nightmare that they would become online sex celebrities or that their boyfriends had either purposely or negligently allowed the photos/sex videos to go online...

Then of course, there is rape and sexual harrassment...women being raped always SICKENS ME but when you rape someone in an even more vulnerable position, its just unbelievably horrifying....i am referring to an article in the Taiwanese newspaper about this handicapped woman whom lived alone and was raped three times by two men (MONSTER&& PIGS##) until she died of suffocation on the third time as they tried to cover her face to prevent her identifying them....then there are the cases involving horny stepfathers who prey on their new partner's young daughter....one case involved the stepfather raping the stepdaughter when his wife wasn't around the house...another case involved this blind girl whom was raped by her uncle and when she moved to live with her mother, she was again raped by her mother's live in boyfriend...sick...totally sick...how can you rape a blind girl!!!!! MEN ARE BASTARDS...aarrgghhh.....i mean its bad enough raping a girl, not least your partner's daughter, but a blind defenseless girl is TOTALLY FCUKED UP i tell you....

And of cos, boys and men are raped as well...i read about the famous case of the Russian Army 'Gay Prostitution' scandal where it was exposed how the younger recruits were raped brutally by the older soldiers and then also forced to have gay sex with clients outside the camps with the older soldiers taking the earnings.....scary man...

And of cos, i've had my own share of weird men encounters...i remember the first time which i can remember very clearly was in 1997 when i watched this movie in a cinema alone at night...my mother was coming to pick me up after the movie and i still remember vividly which movie it was, it was called 'Eighteen Springs' and this is why i can remember the year cos that movie came out in 1997....well i went into the cinema and watched the film BUT TO MY HORROR i think about 1/3 thru the movie, i noticed that the guy sitting right across me on the other side of the aisle which divided the cineplex into two was staring at me...at first i ignored it thinking i was being paranoid, but everytime i turned my head to the right, he was looking at me....and i was like thinking, 'hey mister are u here to watch the movie or are you here to watch me?!' In the end, the entire movie-viewing experience was thoroughly spoilt as i was so scared that i even remember thinking to myself...' you bastard, now you make me worry more about whether you are still looking at me than concentrating on the film!!'....after the movie, i was ready to make a run for the exit and when the lights came on, he smiled at me and i didn't even look at him for another second and bolted out running all the way till i got to the bus stop to wait for my parents...

Another time was in Melbourne where this guy followed me until i got into a shop to hide from him...and then in Sydney once in Chinatown very late at night cos i wanted to get something from 7-11 and this Caucasian middle aged guy suddenly came beside me and said 'Hi' and smiled at me...it was very deserted then and i gave him a quick glance and walked straight ahead...when i turned a corner and looked bck he was still looking at me....i was so freaked out...like seriously, me being cruised on the street?? gosh. and i am not even attractive...imagine what the attractive goodlooking people have to go thru? Then of cos was the time when i first got to Sydney and i was with my parents, brother and their friend...we were just at the Casino having supper at a restaurant there...when this Chinese guy was soooooo cruising me...he was the waiter there and alright looking, i noticed he kept looking at me at first but of cos i ignored it at first cos i am not a paranoid person who thinks every other guy is stalking me...but it soon became apparent he was cruising me when he just kept on looking...like everytime i glanced over, he was invariably looking at me. Now, i'm positive i didn't look weird or anything for him to look at me....and at first i admit i was pretty flattered....i was like, wow this pretty goodlooking guy is cruising me...BUT then of course that feeling soon turned into fear...and let me tell you anyone whom has been sexually harassed or molested can tell u this fear...its a deep fear which runs thru your entire body...cos he kept looking and even when i looked straight into his eye as i was starting to feel uncomfortable, he didn't even look away but just kept looking at me....that seriously freaked me out...i couldn't wait to leave the restaurant...how do u expect me to eat with a stalker guy like there looking at me all the time...he even went to the table beside us to come closer to me as i very well knew he had nothing to do there and he continued looking and glancing at me...i ignored him and hardly looked at him as i started to feel scared...at last we left, and he was still looking at me even when i had left almost like i was a long lost relative....and u know what was the most embarassing thing??? My mother realised that the waiter was making excuses to come to the table next to us and that he had kept looking at us the whole time..!!! (She wasn't aware he really had his eyes on me the whole time....SO embarassing ><")

So yeah, just thought i'd share my own experiences....i've heard from friends of similar experiences of sexual molestation or weirdos before and it seems to be pretty common, especially for girls.....feel free to share if you have any similar experiences either by a girl or a guy, i'd LOVE to know!!:) (the kepoh in me,hehe...)

The Double P's: Prostitution and Pornography:

My basic opinion on prostitution and pornography is that they should both be legal and it is futile and senseless to try to ban them. Many Asian countries such as Malaysia, China, and India ban both whilst other countries such as Japan, Taiwan, and South Korea ban prostitution but not pornography. I think that it should be legal although ideally i would say that it would be best if men didn't visit prostitutes or watch porn. Both P's constitute an important part of women's issues as prostitution and pornography primarily concern women as prostitutes and porn actors and men as the consumers....although of cos the rise in gay visibility and status has also meant a rise in male prostitutes and gay porn...but i think it can safely be said that both form only a very small percentage of the overall female presence in the above industries.

I think instead of banning, we should be regulating the porn and prostitution industry and setting industry standards and guidelines just like any other industry. This is to safeguard the rights of the prostitutes and porn actors to make sure that they enjoy work safety and freedom of choice just like any other worker in any other industry. Banning the Double Ps have never prevented them from occuring, with prostitution being the world's oldest profession. Women will still be abused and used by men (the pimps, the porn directors, makers) even if prostitution and porn is illegal...so why not protect them by laws and regulations with strict enforcement and any breaches warranting heavy penalties??

I think Hong Kong is a fine example as a role model for other countries to follow in the area of prostitution. In Hong Kong, prostitution is not illegal. However, pimping is and managing a brothel is illegal. So you may ask, whats the difference?? Well, the difference is huge and i think of significant importantance. Basically, women who individually prostitute themselves of their own free will are not illegal .Therefore, a prostitute will not be arrested. However, the men, the pimps whom run the brothels and manage the businesses will be arrested by police as the action of 'encouraging or introducing a woman to have sex with a third party' is illegal in HK. So is 'managing and operating' a brothel. Thus, in raids, HK police will only prosecute the pimps and brothel operators and free the prostitutes. This is a fantastic law in my opinion in that it makes it illegal for MEN whom pimp women and take their earnings without having to do a single thing from reaping profits from the prostitutes, the WOMEN, who have to do the dirty work, sleeping with all the men and not even being able to get everything they earned. Further, this resolves the problem of sex slavery as many prostitutes around the world are actually sex slaves, forced into prostitution by men whom they've been sold to by their parents or simply just forced to become prostitutes by human traffickers, MEN again. (There was a recent case in S.Korea which made the news whereby police rescued a middle school girl, prob 14-16, from sex slavery as she was forced to have sex with as many as 800 men during the course of her imprisonment by a group of pimps. Clients apparently included academics and surgeons. gosh, it makes me wonder, how can the clients, ur average male on the street, have sex with someone they know is underage just by appearance and even more disgusting is the fact that they should have known she was there against her will, so how can they continue to have sex with her??!! If they didn't know, then its simply a case of wilful blindness...oops, sorry legal term, it means when someone turns an eye from the truth and prevents themselves from knowing the truth of something) By making prostitution legal, prostitutes whom are actually sex slaves and rescued by police do not face charges of being a prostitute which may arise in countries where prostitution is illegal. (In the S.Korean case, the police obviously didn't charge the girl for prostitution)This is due to the fact that from a strictly legal sense, the act of prostitution is in itself illegal, which the girls have in fact engaged in, although completely and utterly against their free will.

However, more work has to be done in stopping human trafficking which is estimated to traffick 800,000 people annually across international borders, many of them women, and many into sexual slavery prostitution. And this figure doesn't even include trafficking within national borders in countries such as India where young girls from poorer states are tricked into the red light districts of Bombay or China where girls are abducted by human traffickers and sold to poor farmers in rural regions as young brides....the fight continues...

As for porn, i think we need to regulate the number of men allowed to 'act' with the actress of the film as well as the storyline...i've come to realise without actually having seen ANY porn films involving women (i've seen a few gay porn films before which is weird i know, who has watched gay porn but not straight porn??I mean even all gay men have watched straight porn, if only for the male actors..haha....i know about the films mainly thru third parties, talk shows, online pics and synopsis of porn films) that some stories MUST be banned in their degrading portrayal of women and possible effect on societal order. If i were ever to become Prime Minister of a country or in a position to introduce a law, it would be a law to regulate the porn industry...first off, ALL PORN INVOLVING RAPE STORIES WILL BE HENCEFORTH BANNED!!!!! I mean what is it with men and rape?? People always say 'oh that sick criminal pervert stealing women's underwear' or 'that sick rapist' or 'the disgusting soldiers who commit rape in war'....well, i had a long time coming to terms with this but the undeniable fact which i REALLY and i am sure none of us want to admit is that there is somewhere deep in the male biological make-up (most men anyway) which naturally somehow has 'a thing' for rape...there i said it! I know this is controversial but how else can you explain the obsession with rape and bondage of women in Jap porn??!! (is it the same with Western porn?) Somehow, you can't deny it must be somewhere in the male gene which seems to enjoy rape and overpowering women with all the rape fantasy porn available...i mean porn brings out the darkest deepest uninhibited desires of men, and if men (correction: some men) enjoy watching rape porn and wank to it, how different are they from the rapist on the street or in war? All they need is the correct environment and walla, you have a rapist whom can now act out what he watches in porn....so rape stories must be banned...

and also whats this with one woman and plenty of men in porn stories? Its such a 'power thing' i mean aren't men shallow visual animals when it comes to matter of sex?? So why the common scene you see whereby one woman has to have sex with 3,4,10,20,etc men in one porn flick? Why would men (correction: by this i mean Straight Men, which is whom i am dealing with in my analysis, Gay Men and Gay Porn will have to be left to another day, in another post) want to see 3,40,50 di*cks and only one pair of boobs and you- know -where...?? Of cos, my explanation is that it all comes down to one reason: POWER. It has to do with the fact that its MEN having power OVER WOMEN the number of men outnumbering women is already a sign of male power over women and then of cos they penetrate her in every imaginable way and fondle her in every conceivable manner is a symbol of male power over the woman, the passive, the to-be-fcuked, whereas the male is the instigator, the one in power to manipulate. Thus, this kind of power dynamic can no longer be tolerated in the 21st century where men and women are supposed to be equal, or somewhere close to it. This is not to mention the injurious effect of having a woman have sex with an entire football squad ( i mean the guys get a break since they take turns, and once they 'finish' they can leave whereas the same woman has to take the next actor)...its pretty inhumane really and reminds me of the 'comfort women' (Japanese WW2 sex slaves whom were forced to serve battalions of soldiers). So under me, i would limit the number of men to woman ratio to a maximum of 3 actors for every porn actress. There will be no limit on women to men though so guys can't complain cos you can have 10 naked girls with big boobs on one guy, thats fine... the aim is to break the power dynamic against women...(actually even 3 actors to 1 actress ratio is a compromise as its still men overpowering women unfairly!!)

One last note, i noticed quite alot of chauvinistic disgusting comments that some male viewers would write on sites, about porn movies and photos, such as " yeah....bang that bitch hard...ram it up her....." or "fcuk the slut...etc..." I was thinking when i saw these comments, do most guys have these thoughts when they watch porn flicks? What does that mean? That all the talk of the new age sensitive guy and women's empowerment is all an illusion and nothing more? That men really haven't changed that much and are simply restraining themselves in public to appear respectful of women when in the privacy of their rooms whilst watching porn, the sexist thoughts are what they really feel about women?? I don't know, I really don't know.

Anyways, that was a looooooooong pooost....but a very important one in my view...anyone whom has actually read the entire post i would like to say a BIG thank you, i really do appreciate it... If you haven't and just skipped to the last para reading this, please take the time to READ IT!!

Comments always welcome:):):)

First Post on this topic in Jan 2006:


Yuan said...

Well, while I understand where you're coming from, the (disturbing, I'll admit) emotional side of the story is overcoming reason.

In answer to your questions about men- simply put, no. I mean, sure, there are men out there that fantasize about rape and really have thoughts like those online comments.

But most men don't- the reason you don't notice them, though, is because they're not making the online comments.

You only notice the abnormalities like rape and online comments, which are done and made by a very small percentage of the population.

The noise is disproportionate to the commonality of it. There's no deep-seated nature to men along those lines.

hcpen 彭皓全 said...

yuan:wow! you actually took time to read my extremely long post!! thanks,thanks:):) well, it has nothing to do with online comments or otherwise...if you read what i pointed out the cases of men doing all kinds of stuff which are reported in the press...u'd know what i'm talking about...maybe u missed some paras (cos it is really long i admit) i think you should read everything else to get my full arguement. The online porn was just one part contributing to my thinking, there r other things which i've pointed out which bring questions about men into perspective...so i don't think i'm being emotional....and further, even if i was being emotional, my emotions are based on reason, reasons which are based on facts.

Anyways, thanks for your input.

hari deepak said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
hari deepak said...

On the first part of your article relating to divorce, i guess divorce rates in japan(or even taiwan) are fuelled more by the hectic work schedules(overworking).

On the part relating to violence on women, partly it is not completely fair to criticize males for overreacting as breakups can be mentally devastating and to an extent i think asian men are far more sensitive in many fields compared to their western counterparts...so that could kind of justify the overreaction to an extent.

Also violence against women is definetely abhorrable,but it is a small minority of men who generally indulge in such grevious acts...Also to an extent even though it has reduced greatly asian societies are themselves more male-centric than western ones....Even in 1920's china for example women were merely meant for bearing and raising kids and even when say atrocities were perpetrated against peasant women by higher class or caste people it was something very common.....and look at the foot binding which was practiced in earlier confucian societies.....women liberation and rights in japan,taiwan or china is a post 1950's development.

hcpen 彭皓全 said...

hari deepak: Thanks for your input. Well, i don't think violence against women can be condoned at all frankly, WHATEVER the reason. Also, i think we can't group Asia in one single category as within Asia, the social climate and status of women can be vastly different. For instance, women in Hong Kong would have more rights or be more socially advanced in society than say women in Pakistan or even Japan.

jw said...

What a long post!

Your passion level is admirable, but I didn't see much suggestions for solutions to the problems you pointed out. I believe the problem must be looked at from the root level. We need to change the society so that it stops breeding such men in the first place.

That is why a healthy family is so important. With fathers and mothers who have enough time to love and rear their children with the right values and attitudes.

On the topic of divorce, I really would not consider marrying a girl who even thought about all these backup plans. Yes I do agree that a career for a woman is very helpful and empowering. Being a full time mum is a job in itself, and a good husband will acknowledge this and support her and encourage her. Divorce doesn't even come into the equation when I am looking for my future wife, and I don't expect it to be in hers either.

Love is not an emotion, it is a decision, and a decision is followed by the right actions. Why would you plan to get married to the wrong man/woman enough that you need to contemplate what to do incase of a divorce? I know many couples with healthy marriages and I take encouragement from them and look to them as model couples.

Just my quick thoughts for now.

hcpen 彭皓全 said...

jw: Thanks for your input, as always:)

Well, i agree with you that i didn't give out much solutions...i mean i had hardly enough space to list out all the problems with men!!

On the divorce thing, well, one fundamentally different view and belief you hold from me and like 99.9% of the population, religious or not, is your view that 'love is not an emotion, it is a decision.' I pity you then if thats what you belief in cos it would mean that never once in your life have you really loved someone. In fact, love is ALL ABOUT EMOTION, it is influenced by various rational factors but it is itself an irrational emotion. No wonder when i said two gay men in love was romantic you disapproved. Cos according to ur understanding of love, thats a 'choice' a 'wrong decision'. Similarly, if someone loves someone of another ethnic background or social status, it must also be a 'decision' . Since i and i am sure almost ALL my readers cannot agree with the fundamental argument of yours that love is a decision, then your next question of how you plan to marry the wrong person becomes totally irrelevant doesn't it? Cos you don't decide to marry the wrong person, you fall for someone, and love ain't rational. (mostly anyway)
AND EVEN if you indeed plan to marry someone you think is perfect and fits your every criteria and have NO INTENTION ABSOLUTELY to divorce them after marriage, many ppl do think this way during what i call the 'love honeymoon period', how do you know things won;t change in the future? Things change. People Change too.
Whom you married at 26 may not be the same person at 54 or even 29 when you realise that they aren';t what they seemed to be during the courting period. I mean we always hide our flaws and present only the very best during the courting period right? People like you have to realise that things don't always go 'according to your plans'...husbands may find out that their wife is sleeping with another man 20 yrs down the road when she was such a (seemingly) sweet innocent girl 20 yrs before, women may find that their husbands are domestic violence prone and hit them all the time once they get married when he seemed to sweet and gentle during their dating days..humans aren't god, we make mistakes when choosing people, thats when divorce comes in. Not having a backup plan is just plain stupid and naive at best and dangerous at worst...many women have learnt it the hard way...

On your thing on full-time mothers, you again provided me with the answer to the question,
you said 'a good husband will...' well jw, in case you haven't realised, thats an idealistic utopian society you are talking about, NOT the current reality of our world...not ALL men are 'good husbands', cos 'bad husbands' may well be unappreciative of their wives sacrifice taking care of the children which i fully respect, and go out and find a younger more 'modern woman' as opposed to the plain-looking ageing wife who toiled and cleaned and cooked for him for over 10 years...we have plenty of examples of Asian husbands like that (and western ones too!!)What happens then? You tell me.

jw said...


When i said "love is not an emotion" i didn't think you would think of it so one dimensionally. So you think 99.9% of the population would disagree with me. hmm. I would suggest that you ask some long time successful married couples and ask them what true love is, and what kept them together through the good and bad times when they wanted to give up. I bet they are not in the 99.9%. How soon some weak people foget their pledge "til death do us part". Why make that pledge in the first place? It's not like I am not allowing for ANY possibility for a divorce, of course we live in a world full of people who make wrong decisions, so I grant that it is inevitable for some. But we need not encourage any more of it.

While none of what you say is factually false, I don't like the message that it is putting across to the readership. Why can't we be the different ones who actually have a long lasting marriage. I believe in the saying "where there is a will there is a way".

In a relationship, there is always going to be moments which are void of the emotional lovey dovey feelings. Weak minded/self-centred people may decide to call it quits because they don't feel that "love" anymore and are too proud/lazy/busy or don't know how to rekindle it or keep it going. They may start to resent the other and either express it in a physical way, or clam up and just shut the other person off altogether. If left untended, this will soon lead to total rejection of the other. The key is to resolve the issues before they start to lead to the resentment stages. A good couple who have the will to make their marriage work, find a way through the tough times, and will stamp out the problems before it gets too big. This is what love is. It's a commitment - a decision no less. I am not talking about dictionary definition. I am talking about practical real life definition.

I don't see a brother and sister, or a parent and child contemplating divorce. A married couple is supposed to be "as one", forming a life time bond on a greater scale than the formerly mentioned. So why shouldn't we start advocating that people actually start taking responsibility for their vow to accept the other as a true family as pledged on the alter, and not cheapen that original vow. I can see why some devoted couples make it a point to re do their vows every so often. Again I know where you are coming from, but I am not of the school where I just accept things for the way they are going, and to come up with solutions that fit in along the way. I am of the school where people's grass roots values, discipline, and repsonsibilities are reformed to make a better path for the next generation.

I'll finish with a story I was sent recently which I think illustrates some of my points.

--When You Divorce Me, Carry Me Out in Your Arms--

On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in front
of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my
arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy. I was a strong
and happy bridegroom.

This was the scene ten years ago.

The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid; I went
into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were steadily
increasing, the affection between us seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant.
Every morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time. Our
kid was studying in a boarding school.

Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more likely
to be affected by unpredictable changes.

Dew came into my life.

It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from behind. My
heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was the apartment I
bought for her.

Dew said, you are the kind of man who best draws girls' eyeballs. Her words
suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we were just married, my wife said, Men
like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls.

Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife. But
I couldn't help doing so.

I moved Dew's hands aside and said you go to select some furniture, O.K.? I've
got something to do in the company. Obviously she was unhappy, because I had
promised to do it together with her. At the moment, the idea of divorce became
clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to me.

However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter how
mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt.

Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner. I
was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV
together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew's body. This
was the means of my entertainment.

One day I said to her in a slightly joking way, suppose we divorce, what will
you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently she
believed that divorce was something too far away from her. I couldn't imagine
how she would react once she got to know I was serious.

When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the staff
looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while
talking to her. She seemed to have got some hint. She gently smiled at my
subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.

Once again, Dew said to me, He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live together. I
nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.

When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. I've got something to tell
you, I said. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her
eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know
what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the serious topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I'm
serious. I avoided her question. This so-called answer made her angry. She threw
away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man!

That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to
find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a
satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she
could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and
then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been
living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. But I could not take
back what I had said.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see.
To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had
obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer.

Late that night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her
writing something at the table. I fall asleep fast. When I woke up, I found she
was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.

She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but I
was supposed to give her one month s time before divorce, and in the month's
time we must live as normal a life as possible. Her reason was simple: our son
would finish his summer vacation a month later and she didn't want him to see
our marriage was broken.

She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, He Ning, do you
still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day? This question
suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I nodded and said, I
remember. You carried me in your arms, she continued, so, I have a requirement,
that is, you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce. From now to
the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every

I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end
her marriage romantically.

I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it
was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the result of
divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was
explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So when I
carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped
behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of
pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten
meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, Let us start
from today, don't tell our son. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down
outside the door. She went to wait for a bus, I drove to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. We
were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I
hadn't looked at this intimate woman carefully for a long time. I found she was
not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on her face.

On the third day, she whispered to me, the outside garden is being demolished.
Be careful when you pass there.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were still an
intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of
Dew became vague.

On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, where she
put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I nodded. The
sense of intimacy was even stronger. I didn't tell Dew about this.

I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me
stronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now. She was
picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried quite a few but
could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown
bigger. I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner
that I could carry her more easily, not because I was stronger. I knew she had
buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again, I felt a sense of pain.
Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head.

Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it's time to carry mum out. He said. To him,
seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his
life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my
face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last minute. I held her
in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway.
Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if
we came back to our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son
had gone to school. She said, actually I hope you will hold me in your arms
until we are old.

I held her tightly and said, both you and I didn't notice that our life lacked

I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay
would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door. I said
to her, Sorry, Dew, I won't divorce. I'm serious.

She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. You got no fever. She
said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I can only say sorry to
you, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I
didn't value the details of life, not because we didn't love each other any
more. Now I understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to
our child, I am supposed to hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry to

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the
door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove to the office.

When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife which
was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and
wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until we are old.

hari deepak said...

I accept what you say : love is an irrational emotion.....similarly liking someone is itself an irrational emotional....

Also jw,
How many of those happy idealistic couples are really happy.......

Also i think interracial marriages hardly work...especially when the racial backgrounds are wide apart......

But any love which develops out of respect for a person or a society is i believe true love...pure love...most of love in this world is born out of lust not respect....

Just some random ramblings based on both of your discussions...no personal questions intended....

hcpen 彭皓全 said...

jw: I think we are in agreement more than we both think. I basically agree with everything you say. I had thought and misunderstood you as not allowing room for ANY option of divorce. The fact that you see the possibility of divorce as inevitable in certain circumstances show that we are more in agreement than anything. I also believe in working things out after the initial lovey-dovey feelings dissipate but I am merely suggesting options for women (and men too!!) to protect themselves in case things REALLY don't work out. I believe in 'if there's a will, there is a way'. But sometimes, like cases of constant extra-marital affairs, what is the point of keeping a marriage that has already lost its meaning? It really makes us ponder do we want to keep marriage for the sake of it or give each other another chance in love? But of cos, i definitely agree that most cases require REAL effort b/w couples...Further, i think you always say that ideal couples or marriages can work and i do not doubt that, but the difference b/w conservative or religious ppl and more liberal-minded people like me is that we see REALITY and make plans in cases where the ideal fails to materialise whilst ppl like you seem to want to hold on to 'ideals' so much so that you refuse to make any plans in case ideals fail and then blame ppl who don't meet those ideals as 'weak-minded' and 'selfish'. It can also lead to harsh results by mindlessly following ideals.

hari deepak: Thanks for your comments.