Monday, April 12, 2010

Cheating Men & The Women Beside Them...出轨与在他旁边的女人......浮気した男と彼のそばにいる女...

I am so sick and tired of cheating men and the women who stand besides them. Think John Edwards and Elizabeth Edwards in the political world, Tiger Woods and Elin in the sports world, Sandra Bullock and Jesse James in the entertainment world, and that's just the famous ones we all know about. God knows what happens in the lives of ordinary people as well which is not sniffed out and reported by media these days. And in case you think it's just America, guess again, cos there was a recent high-profile case of a Taiwanese legislator caught on camera cheating on his wife with another socialite at some high-class restaurant in Taipei and Singapore's most well-known director Jack Neo was also recently busted for having a 2 year affair with a model half his age as well as other victims whom have come out to say they were repeatedly offered roles in exchange for sex with the director or were constantly sexually harassed by the well-known director Jack Neo. It seems that there is no sphere or occupation where men won't cheat, and cheat with women many years younger than themselves or their wifes!

It's disheartening really. And i really CAN'T stand these women whom stand beside their men and say they're willing to forgive them. And I can't stand these women whom continue to publicly support their men even with all the humiliation they face. Why in the world would you still want the man? I mean, you often find that its the men whom are the most guilty but yet gets to choose whether THEY would like to continue the marriage with their wife after getting busted and not the other way round. So undignified. Many of the women then choose to forgive their husbands only to find out in the end that their husbands have fallen in love with the younger woman and still decides to continue the relationship even AFTER the bust up. Look at Elizabeth Edwards as an example. She forgave her husband and even continued to campaign for him during his presidential run despite knowing about his affair and AFTER the media relevations. It was not until it was determined that John Edwards had fathered a child with the other woman was she forced into a divorce.

And i also take issue with ppl whom blame the women. What total rubbish. Don't EVER SAY that an affair is two people's responsibility. WRONG. It is ALWAYS THE CHEATER'S FAULT. NEVER THE OTHER SPOUSE'S FAULT. I love all the 'excuses' people come up with when men cheat. Oh the wife is too strong. She always 'bosses' her husband around. She's also responsible. The wife didn't take care of her image,looks,etc (err, cos she's been busy cooking, cleaning, looking after the kids the last 15 yrs whilst the husband watches the telly and takes them out occasionally?) ..what nonsense. Men will cheat in all kinds of circumstances. Look at Elin, Tiger's wife. She looks the perfect wife in terms of Western conventional beauty image. She's not even in her 30s, merely 20s, blond long hair, good face and thin body, but YET Tiger Woods cheated, not one or two but with possibly over 10 women. Look in Asia, with Vivian Chow...she was barely just 40 when her husband had an affair with a university/college girl and she looks stunning not just for her age but actually passes for just 30. She is also well-known for her feminine good-girl personality and so obviously being beautiful and having a feminine personality doesn't stop your husband from cheating. And the reason why i say it's NEVER right or understandable or two people's fault when someone cheats is becos the action cannot be mitigated by the fault of one. Therefore, even if the wife is unreasonable, looks sloppy and ugly and unappealing, smelly, has turned into a hot-tempered woman whom also insults her husband in public at every chance, it's STILL NOT her fault when her man cheats. It is purely 100% his fault. I REPEAT THAT.
Bcos, the solution to the above is not to cheat but to talk it out, work on it, go for counselling,etc..that's what couples should do. Not cheat.
Cos Saying a man whom cheats on his wife whom has some faults too, and that's ok, is like saying its ok for Tim to beat up Adam because Adam insulted his mother or its ok for Jack to kill Rob because Rob always disrespects him or that its Jill's fault as well when Joe rapes her for her ill-temper or that Janet has to take responsiblity as well for Jim stealing all her money and burning down her house because she is always insulting him to his friends and ill treats him for many years. Get it? One is simply disproportionate to the other. If you have problems, work it out with your other spouse. If you haven't tried, or fail after many yrs, then get a separation. Get a divorce. Not cheat.

I have no issues when a man divorces or separates from his wife and finds another (younger woman--ok maybe i'd still be like shallow you..but at least i'd respect him alot more than cheating) after the separation. But just don't try to be selfish and still want your social status, image, and your family and kids AND the other woman all at the same time.

And the worse thing is when all these men cheat and go for the younger women, not just 2,3,4,5,6 years younger, but they go for at least 7 yrs and younger and often up to girls half their age (basically almost their daughter's age) and call it finding 'true love'. Yes, these women/girls haven't cooked and cleaned, and provided free sex for years to these men which their wives have done, and once they find a younger fresher girl, out goes the wife whom spent decades toiling with them when they were poorer and unsuccessful and just starting out.

I mean some men even cheat on their wives when they're having cancer (!) re: Elizabeth Edwards, Jack Neo's first wife apparently... seriously heartless bastards...and i cannot fathom how men like these can go all the way up and climb the social ladder to become potential Presidential Nominees of the USA, Singapore's most famous director, seems that some would argue, its not relevant whether a man cheats or how he treats his wife as long as professionally he does well in his job. I'd strongly disagree. When it comes to promotions and climbing up the social ladder, of cos, its HIGHLY RELEVANT. This kind of 'impartial assessment' of people is seriously ridiculous. It is what caused armies to rape with impunity in past wars cos 'its ok or not detrimental to his social/job standing if he rapes' as long as he performs well in battles. It's what has covertly tolerated all the rape/abuse scandals which Australian football leagues have come to be associated with in recent yrs as its kinda 'all good' as long as they continue to win scores and victories for the team. It only becomes seriously not ok when they start losing games.

All these high profile cheatings and their wive's ultimate forgiveness ( the list is long...Jackie Chan is another one which came up whilst i was typing this) makes a poor and disturbing role model for the wider populace that its kinda ok for men to cheat..or at least if u're rich, ....cos although you may suffer a backlash from your wife, ultimately, she'll forgive you and your marriage and career will both stay intact on the whole.

And although i know its purely 100% a personal decision on the part of these very public cheater's wives whether or not to forgive their husbands, I also know that their decisions ultimately will have some kind of subconscious effect on the minds of the wider society observing the ensuing scandal unfold. Therefore, although its their personal decision, its also a public responsibility and a women's dignity issue as well. It can be 'Well, so and so forgave their husbands so maybe i should too..he's o'nly done it once' or 'Look at so and so, she kicked her husband out and took half his money..that gives me the courage to uphold my own dignity too and give my husband the boot..'

And it is with this final statement in mind that I hope Sandra Bullock gives her husband the kick out and not follow in the footsteps of Hillary Clinton (another name that popped up!), Elizabeth Edwards, Vivian Chow, apparently Elin Woods as well, and the numerous other 'women besides them' whom have effectively provided a negative role model for women and men and said that their dignity and trust can be trampled upon and that their self-worth is not worth much and can be taken and thrown aside by a man at his whim.


Chris said...

seems everybody talking abt sandra now..

hcpen said...

Chris: Yes. Poor girl..

Ai Shiang said...

Men cheat mainly because they're bored with their gf. But when it comes to sick and tire of their wives then I really don't know how and why this keeps on happening.

Women standby their men maybe because of financial independence.

Working and independent ladies normally won't do that only housewives do.

Having said that, if the men are rich, no point standby him. Just kick his ass and get 50% of what he owns! :o)

You're in Laws right? Do you do family laws?

hcpen said...

Ai Shiang: Yes, I do family law. Actually, you see all the famous women, they still stand besides their husbands despite having financial independence and support. I think its not just the money thing...many women like Hillary Clinton and Elizabeth Edwards can live very well even with divorce given their assets but maybe women are more forgiving and nostalgic about the memories and achievements they shared with their husbands plus women maybe also are socially pressured to forgive their husbands.

aimlesswanderer said...

There are a whole bunch of reasons why it happens, and why some women don't leave their husbands. After all, we're all (presumably) human, and we all make mistakes. Can we, or should we be forgiven for some of them? If people always ditched their partners who cheat on them, there would be an awful lot of single people, and relationships would be very short.

And don't women cheat too? Should their partners immediately ditch them?

gina said...

The problem with women is, we are emotional creatures. Men can separate emotion from sex. That is why they can have sex without love. I know some women are capable of that too - sex without love. Most married men would eventually go back to their wives.. because they are mothers to their offspring. It's some sort of a survival instinct.

I think women are more forgiving because we have innate nature to love and nurture. And I agree with aimlesswanderer - to err is human.
I think some people deserve second chances. We do not know what have their relationship been through to get to where they are now, so really, I think we should not judge.

hcpen said...

aimlesswanderer: The male species already has a horrid track record when it comes to commitment and being faithful across all cultures throughout history. So say, as some would, that this shows its not natural,for men to have monogamy is ridiculous. Its simply not acceptable to cheat. Humans make mistakes. Like committing murder or stealing. But they must pay the price. Nobody is saying you should be jailed or criminalisation for adultery. But you must pay a price. When a woman forgives her husband, she's basically saying you just get a slap on the hands for something horrible. And saying that if everyone divorces after cheating, then there'll be short marriages/singleness just goes to show the severity of the situation in contemporary society. Men and the minority of women whom cheat will have to carry that burden of causing this, NOT the person being cheated on. To say we should not be encouraging immediate divorce for cheating lest societial unstableness is pointing the burden on the victims of cheating when it really should be the cheater's whom should be condemned.

As for women cheating, it is much less than men cheating and I'd also not disagree with the men leaving their wives. But the fact is that cheating is committed by men far more than women, putting into issue the question of female dignity.

hcpen said...

gina: I'd judge for certain relationships and cheating is definitely one of them. I am a big feminist and very interested in society and politics. Cheating is more than just 'individual weakness or human weakness'. When it becomes a pattern and you have thousands of men cheating every year. It becomes a problem. Saying its a human weakness is a lame excuse for the guys. From my experience, guys are not so forgiving. If we 'turn around' the situation, and women cheat like men and men don't really cheat like women, i can tell you this, there'll be no such thing as 'human weakness'.

In our society, it's forgivable or 'human weakness' when men cheat...we say 'aiya, guys, what, can't help themselves..' but when women cheat, we are less forgiving, common names would be 'that slut, whore...shameless..loose woman' right?? I believe women should start claiming back their dignity. When you forgive your husband so easily, it shows you don't respect yourself much or value yourself. If even a woman thinks of herself so cheaply and of such little value, how do you expect the husband to appreciate and value her? From my feminist observations throughout the yrs, women tend to appreciate and develop more feelings for their men as time develops whereas men go the other way and get bored of their wives as time goes by. Men take for granted the women in their lives. If you forgive him, all you're really saying is that he can continue to take you for granted cos you're so cheap, he puts his penis into another woman's ### 20-30 times or whatever, ask her to lick his $$$, sticks his into her rear,etc (i'm purposely being graphic about what cheating REALLY MEANS) and you're still ok with all that.

Like my reply with aimlesswanderer, when you murder you go to jail (regardless of human mistake) so when you cheat you should also face the consequences proportionate to the mistake. And forgiving your husband is not a proportionate punishment for his mistake.

UnkaLeong said...

Hmmm...a Lot depends on the upbringing and the family as well. Coming from a strong nuclear family with strict Chinese upbringing, i can't ever imagine myself straying. *shrugs shoulders*

hcpen said...

Unkaleong: Actually, i think its more biology than anything else. If you look at Chinese cultural history, having concubines and second wives was kinda the norm, not the exception, for wealthy men in China. So traditional chinese customs were actually ok with one man having multiple wives, as long as the first wife had a higher social status and all wives were well taken care of materially. I'm ok if guys feel the urge to fantasise or mentally wanna have sex with someone else after being attached. All, i'm saying is the line is crossed when thought gets put into action.

It's just men's selfishness whenever they go back to their wives after the whole fling, saying how he loves his wife and it was just a moment of lapse. Its so pitiful sometimes for the other woman whom is blamed and scorned the most in our society when in the end, she's being 'used and thrown aside' by the man after he's done with her, and she has her reputation in tatters. And then the wives forgive the husbands, meaning they had their fun and now have everything else left pretty much intact.

aimlesswanderer said...

Good to hear you have the well being of any children in mind.

The vast number of potentially affected children will obviously benefit immensely from mandatory separations.

It is just the parent's selfishness when they decide to separate from their partner even though they may still love each other, and they may be able to work through the issue and be happy for years to come.

It's just parent's selfishness when they ignore the well being of their children, and focus only on their own. After all, when you become a parent, you shouldn't be just concerned about yourself...

hcpen said...

aimlesswanderer:DO not blame the victim of an affair for the separation.The effects on the children lie largely with the cheating spouse. Why don't you tell that to the cheater when he/she decided to have sex behind their partner's back? It is not the responsibility of the victim to patch things up. The cheater should not have been that selfish to cheat in the first place.

Also, if we replaced cheating with domestic violence, should women and men be encourage to stay 'for the children'? It is emotional blackmail to bring out the children to get a woman to stay after her husband's serious betrayal. A woman's interests must be balanced with the interests of the child. Saying that a woman (or man) whom leaves a cheating spouse is 'selfish' is extremely unfair and manipulative, deflecting responsibility from the cheater onto the cheated.

The children should remember the divorce/separation as the selfishness of the person whom cheated,not the person whom chose to leave. Furthermore, your rationale is pretty disturbing as it somehow condemns people whom divorce/separate (for whatever reason) and have children as 'selfish' which is a throwback to the 50s.

aimlesswanderer said...

Clearly you didn't read and comprehend what I wrote carefully. I said that if the parents could work through their issues and still be happy, but still decided to split, then that is selfish, because the kids will suffer for no good reason. I did NOT say that they should stay together no matter what, for the kid's sake.

Err, hello, AFAIK cheating, while frowned upon, is not illegal (at least here), unlike domestic violence. So you can't somehow equate them. One is legal, the other is illegal.

A blanket rule is a stupid idea. Things in life aren't always clear, there are substantial grey areas, and you have to be sensible enough to recognise that. Your "solution" is way extreme, as bad as those who think you should never ever get divorced. Both positions involve no thinking, common sense or logic, and ignore any other relevant issues.

And you should have a look for some reliable statistics to back up your rant. From my quick look, while men do cheat more often than women, the statistics are fairly even. Younger women especially are 'catching up' to or have caught up to the men.

hcpen said...

aimlesswanderer: Ok, so you didn't say everyone should stay together no matter what and I'm NOT saying everyone should split up no matter what. I'm just saying the number of women choosing to stay together is disproportionate to the number splitting up. The cases of the public figures are examples where i feel in those specific circumstances they would have been better off splitting up but still chose to stick together.

Also, there's no way women are 'catching up' or anywhere near men's levels of cheating. Please, i am not one to accept arguments which are not factual but sound politically correct. It's nice to say no particular group is wrong but some things are just different..just like men cheat on a much much much higher level than women and women tend to bitch more than men...its just facts even if not politically correct..

aimlesswanderer said...

"Disproportionate"? What does that mean? And who are you to judge the decisions that others make, when you know nothing really (media speculation doesn't count) about what has happened? Only the people involved can make the decision. As to what influences their decisions - we can only speculate.

Interesting that you make your own claims with no evidence whatsoever, and then say that you don't need pesky numbers or proof other than that everyone "just knows". Is that like everyone "just knows" that all types of crime are always on the increase? Except that the Bureau of Crime Statistics says otherwise. But if you listen to most of the media, you'd think that gangs are on every street corner, and that people get murdered every day. Is that the kind of "factual" proof you are after? People's perceptions of what is "true" and what is actually happening are often different.

The government doesn't keep stats on this (and nor should it), so the stats I could find are of extremely variable quality and reliability. But they generally show that things are far more even than you imagine. And, since women are becoming more and more empowered and are encouraged to be "just like the blokes", is it any wonder that things have changed? But since you "know" how things are already, don't worry about that.

hcpen said...

aimlesswanderer: I can judge cos everyone is entitled to their own opinion, including me. So I can say what I want.

As for infidelity, yes, many things in reality are not what it seems in perception, but infidelity is certainly not one of them. Perception fits Reality.

Some things have become widely perceived in a certain way precisely because it has happened as a pattern over a long extended period of time that everyone knows. Common knowledge is porn, infidelity, and rape involve men consuming or inflicting them much much more than women. You don't need statistics for that (u can't really get these kind of personal statistics for things like infidelity anyway). Women may be cheating much more than previously, but clearly with the media relevations in recent yrs, the men still outnumber by leaps and bounds when it comes to cheating. There's no reason for the media not to report on women cheating given that there r still double standards when it comes to sex and gender. Women may have become more empowered but things are still uneven on many levels. They're just not obvious. Wage gaps are still here and sexual crimes are still committed overwhelmingly by men.

Anyways, you're entitled to your opinion of how you want to believe what our society has become, but just in terms of the media reports and my years of personal knowledge and knowing ppl around me,including my mom's generation, men most definitely cheat on much higher levels than women, its no where near the same level.

marcellous said...


I'm back after a while to read your blog. I always enjoy reading it even though I sometimes disagree.

In this case, I think Aimless Wanderer makes more sense than you. Maybe it's your youth that makes you see this in such a black and white way. Cheating is waaay different from violence and abuse, and not just because the latter is illegal. And as to the gender balance of cheating, I think the reason you hear less of the women cheating is because they have to keep it more secret. After all, it can't be that all those cheating men are doing all their cheating just with single women, prostitutes or other men, can it?

There are all sorts of reasons women forgive their "cheating" partner, and mostly we can only speculate about them. Often it's kids. Sometimes it's what she has invested in their life together that she doesn't want to throw away. And that's not just a share of money which she could otherwise get for herself. Perhaps the woman reckons she is better off with the cheater she knows than possibly just getting another or being on her own. Sometimes, it is a weighing up of the offence of the cheating against the other, good, points in the relationship which might be over a much longer period than the "lapse." I don't think any of these things necessarily involves an affront to the woman's dignity.

It's true that exposed cheating itself is usually an affront to a spouse's dignity, but not kicking them out or leaving is a different affair. To take an analogy: not all misconduct by a long-term employee is a sackable expense and an employer doesn't have to sack them even if it is or even if it is one which entitles the employer, if they choose, to sack someone summarily.

hcpen said...

marcellous: I agree not everything is black and white, especially in affairs of the heart. And I am not saying that every single woman should separate from every single partner whom cheats. I'm merely saying that i don't like to see gendered trends whereby i think women are too forgiving and agreeing to stay on when it involves their own dignity as well as the issue of women's dignity and self-worth in general.

I think cheating falls into the sackable type of offence you allude to although i do agree that you don't have to sack on every single occasion or circumstance.

I was merely saying the proportion was disproportionate. Let's say the current trend is women forgiving their partners 70% of the time in cheating and 30% choosing to separate whilst I would encourage something like 70% separation and 30% forgiveness. I am not saying 100% separation is the way to go or 90% separation for all circumstances.

Also, you're entitled to the school of thought that women cheat as much as men but i simply don't buy that. I believe women don't cheat nor consume porn nor hire prostitutes to levels anywhere near men, for whatever reason, be they social pressure,etc but i simply believe they don't follow on to action as much as men do. But of cos, you're entitled to your own beliefs. Thanks for your comments.